My Pig Pants

Not to Jump The Gun...

2005-09-25T18:46:47Z

But if I ever WERE to have a real relationship with Tony, I'm just going to go out and say that I think it would be perfect.
The problems that have seemed to present themselves in my previous relationships seem to revolve around experience and jealousy. Luke was so fucking experienced with everything, and I felt so inferior most of the time. Brandon felt the same way about me, and was always so jealous of the fact that I had loved before him. Luke and Brandon were both jealous of other guys in my life, and Luke was just so controlling that he made me feel guilty for even hanging out with anyone other than himself.

But Tony, oh what a Tony.
We've both had serious, long term, relationships before.
We've both been in love before.
We've both had sex with other people before.
We've both had recent relationships.
We've both done drugs.
We've both realized how stupid doing drugs is.
We've both been out of control in our lives.
We've both cleaned our acts up.
He's the least jealous person I know.
I feel I would have no right to be jealous.
We've both worked at the Italian Pie.
We know the same people, yet have other friends.
We understand each other.

Oh God, Tony=Love. seriously. SO HAPPY when I think about him.

Boys

2005-09-07T18:46:36Z

Prepare yourself, this is about to be a pathetic entry. It WILL make you loathe me as it will me myself.

SO this whole Tony thing still hasn't gone away, not that I want it to, because I don't. I absolutely love having an exciting crush, just not one you can't do anything about. It makes me sad, but not to the point where I sob or anything like that. It is just that kind of feeling where you sigh and think about how lonely you are, but then you let it pass.
He said he was sorry.
I've waited a while to hear that, and it felt so good. Wow I'm tearing up as I write this, so moving on...

David. David Hardy. SO NOT ATTRACTED TO HIM. Just on the list because he is another guy in my life that I talk to every day but ain't getting any from. This morning I was pissed off at the world because I felt like I should have gone to eat with Tony yesterday, and I hadn't read any of Wuthering Heights, and I forgot my work clothes, and I Was going to school in general. So I blurted out "would you mind if I smoked a cigarette???" and he looked at me schocked and said "would you mind if i joined you??' I was so relieved that he wasnt completely disgusted by my request and we smoked together on the way to school. I felt better and we talked and I was happy.

Brandon. Enough said. Blah.

I havent updated in forever

2005-08-25T17:43:47Z

I havent updated in forever, but I feel the need to since this a very cathartic thing to do. And God knows I could use some of that right now.
Where do I even begin?
Brandon- Brandon was probably the best boyfriend that I have ever had. God,he treated me so freaking well and still does! But I am just not attracted to him at all. He's so.. not my type? I don't evenb know if that is fair to say because beggars can't be choosers. But it isn't even like I am begging BlaH i hate this. I don't know and I don't care. I need to be ablone for a while, since I havent really been for more than a few months since freshman year. Can we say NEEDY?? Oh well.

Tony- Ohhh what a Tony. More like WHAT A FUCKER. I really fell hard for that boy, thats what pisses me off the most, Ive never been so out of control over a guy since Luke. He made me feel like I was in the sixth grade all over again and I didnt like it yet I seemed to thrive off of it. I constantly set myself up for rejection. Sometimes I wonder if I am some sick and twisted person who loves being screwed over, because that definitely seems like me, completely.

This computer is NOT a Mac and I am hating it. IT is a Compaq Presario. WTF is that. I don't know, but Im not liking it. The keys are all crazy and bI hate how fat it is. Damn I want an iBook. The quote key is even broken, how lame is that.

So this new job with my dad, yeah not too exciting. I feel like there is nobody my age to run around the store with, to flirt with, to get drunk with. I guess thats what living in the professional world is like. You dontn get crunk at your office and make out with coworkers all over the place. Damn.. this should be an interesting adjustment. No more Tony, no more weeks at the italian pie. Just sitting here at dullsville USA.

So I have a feeling this journal thing will pick up again. Yeah considering thats all I have to do with my time. God I wish I were back in DC, the perfect amalgamation of professionalism AND people my age! I love you DC and I swear I will be back, as your most prominent resident. President.

oh God, here I go again

2005-07-07T03:00:44Z

So I've decided that, I, Jessica Bates, am nothing but a hopeless romantic. Yep. Though I claim to be otherwise, I show all the classic signs. I trust too quickly, fall too deeply, and hold on much too tightly. Everyone should make me melt. And sometimes I let go of the things that I have become so comfortable with in order to reach for the unattainable. In less eloquent words, I royally fuck myself over.

mypigpants @ 2005-05-02T20:15:00

2005-05-03T01:16:37Z

I've been having really strong maternal urges lately. It is very strange since I hate kids so much, but lately I've found myself meeting a person and thinking "oh that's a lovely name, it would be good for a child." And I endeed up in a conversation about twins with Mrs. Horne today, and I gave a little girl peppermints at work. And I don't know what is wrong with me! OMG!

Ellie Mae

2005-03-15T23:40:55Z

Oh my gosh, so my head hurts. Ohhhh gosh.

I'm a loser, my boyfriend is great. Luke sucks.

Never come downstairs again...

2005-03-04T02:48:28Z

I never update because I never come downstairs.

I hate my life, and I hate downstairs. I only use the computer for things I have to, to avoid talking to my parents at all costs. It is crazy how much I despise their beings. I get so sad. I just get sad and cry. Is that pathetic? I'm not sure why I do it, I just feel this overwhelming sadness sometimes.. like a big cloud of gray that just rains down on me and I can't escape it. Nothing can pull me away, not even Brandon, who seems to have his life so together.

I hate that. I hate that I am so sad and I have no reason to be. What can I complain about? Wow, I'm smart and have a loving boyfriend and oh-boo-hoo did I mention my family has lots of money? I'm so lame. All I do is complain about all of the good things I have not being good enough. I ONLY made a 30 on the ACT, I ONLY have a 20 inch monitor rather than the 30 inch, my boyfriend is ONLY treats me like a queen. God I'm a bitch who needs to shut up. Why can't I be happy with myself. Something is seriously going on with me, and I can't help it. My mom tells me I've been angry all my life, and they gave up trying to make me happy a long time ago. I hate my parents.

Brandon makes me happy though. If I could just be with him all day it would be great. He doesn't know about this LJ and never will. So I will write freely about him. And I know I said I would never let Luke fuck me up. And that I could tell when a guy was a good guy and when a guy was a Luke, and that it wouldn't affect any other relationships I ever had, but oh it does. The pain of someone hurting you that badly, never really leaves.

God I so have nothing to write about.

You and I both Know

2005-02-13T03:37:54Z

I'm watching the Notebook.

I think I will start updating more often now. Just like I love pictures, I love words, too.

Today I stole a bunch of sunglasses, that I didn't even need. Why did I do that?

I love Brandon. I feel things for Brandon that I could have never felt for Luke. I love Brandon more than I would have ever loved Luke. Brandon is going places, Brandon is smart, Brandon is so muc more than Luke ever was.

God, I never knew I could fall in love again. I love him so much.

Last Night

2005-02-12T14:41:51Z

Wow. Last night, or yesterday afternoon after school actually, Pops and I decided we would go to New Orleans to go see Brandon wrestle. So I called him, and slyly found out where he was and what time he would be back.. and then we drove down. I surprised the hell out of him, I walked up the bleachers and he didn't see me like at all, then jacob spotted me and just pointed with his mouth hanging wide open. Then he hit Brandon and pointed and Brandon STILL didn't see me, so I walked closer and then he started freaking out! His eyes got really big, and Jacob lifted me and put me on top of Brandon's lap. And Brandon was like "omg i cant believe you did this omgomgomgomg" and Jacob was like "He was JUST saying how much he missed you!" and then Jared was like "You are officially the best girlfriend out of all of ours right now"! and that made me the most happy. I was SO happy. So then like twenty minutes later, Brandon was like "okay yall I def win the best girlfriend of the week game".

Then we just sat around and talked while 500 gazillion people wrestled, Jacob and Jared won their matches but everyone else lost. Then the bus took the guys back to the hotel, but Jared Jacob and Brandon came with me and Pops to go get something to eat. We went around to like 500 places, it was cool. Oh God but I had to talk to Tatiana on the phone, and she was crying but I couldn't really hear her because the windows were down in the car, I dont know, she's probably pregnant again.

Then Pops and I left, got lost, weren't going to make it home for his curfew, so we went 103 mph the whole way home. It was awesome.

Yearbook

2005-01-12T23:42:55Z

Yeah so Holly is crazy, and I'm not looking foward to her being editor of the yearbook next year. I will be sad when Buck leaves. I like him so much.

I'm always SO constantly hungry, and never have anything to eat, so I just end up going to Canes. I will eventually die of a heart attack, I swear this to you.

Brandon is showing signs of being a Caniac. Today he said he ntoiced all he was thinking about was getting off of wrestling practice and going and eating Canes. AAAAHHHH!!! CANES! HOW ARE YOU SO GOOD TO US ALL?

mypigpants @ 2005-01-09T17:12:00

2005-01-09T23:35:44Z

OMFG my family has communication problems.. I hate everyone! And Brandon wonders why he can't meet any of them.... yeah.

But with the whole Brandon thing, since that's all I really want to talk about right now, I asked him when the niceness would wear off. Right now, everything he says it nice, and sweet, and he really SEEMS to care about me and what I'm doing and you know stuff like that. So when he called me and asked how my day had been going so far, I asked him when he would stop asking me stuff like that. He seemed genuinely confused for a minute until I explained that with other realationships I've had it's all nice and what not for the first month or so, and then all of those sweet questions and kind answers fade off.. and it become arguing immediately when you pick up the phone. And then he gave me the best reply I've ever heard "Well Jessica, I don't think that stuff it supposed to wear off....." and then there was a pause and he said "Why are you so scared that this will end up how your last relationship did, stuff like that isn't supposed to go away, I care about you, and I care how your day went, and I'm pretty easy going about stuff which is why I always let you be right. And I like you, I really do, and if I'm an asshole towards you- you would leave me- so why would I become an asshole??" And then it all clicked.. Luke WAS an asshole. Guys aren't supposed to make you cry for hours, guys aren't supposed to hit you when they are in a rage, guys aren't supposed to constantly ask you for money. Though I don't completely trust Brandon, I think he has that idea... and I think it will work out okay. He's so sweet, and gentle, and I love it right now.

But I can't get too comfortable yet. Last night we were by a fire at his friends house, and the flames looked so pretty, and I said "wow its so beautiful" and he got really close to me and said "your beautiful!" and we kissed and i said "I love yo----" and our lips were touching and his eyes got really big and I backed away and he said "its okay I didn't hear it". Little does he know that that is the second time it has happened to me. I almost told him that the other night too. Why am I doing this? I don't love him yet, I can't love him yet! Not happening, it's been a week! Honestly, I think it is so comfortable because it is so much like Luke.. and I told him I loved him all the time.. and I don't know. I fucked up big time by letting that slip, and I hope it doesn't happen again until the time is right.. I can't believe I did that. I'm glad he isnt freaked out though.

I love the way

2005-01-08T03:19:48Z

I love the way he kisses me, not just on my lips, but all around my face. My cheeks, my forehead.

I love the way he never fails to ask me how my day went.

I love the way he stays on the phone with me for hours.

I love the way he never complains about picking me up in the morning.

I love the way he puts his hand on the small of back as we walk.

I love the way he is proud of me.

I love the way he is respectful.

I love the way he makes me feel.

I feel so happy when I am around Brandon, it is insane. It is a feeling I never quite had with Luke at school, because it was so weird for me to walk around with him.. our age difference and all. It was hard at pep rallys and assemblies and stuff to meet him, and we didn't have any of the same classes or the same friends, so it was always a struggle to maintain a balance of being with each other and friends. I love the way Brandon is in my grade, younger than I am actually, and can be with any of my friends. I love the way things are right now, and I hope they don't change but for the better.

mypigpants @ 2004-12-31T14:14:00

2004-12-31T20:20:37Z

You know, when Luke and I broke up ever so many months ago, I never found myself a rebound guy. No, I never had a fling, or a random pity fuck. I kept my pants on and cried my eyes out unlike Luke, who had girl- after girl- after girl... shall I continue? I had no help, damnit! I just took the break up before it took me! By myself! The hard way out! So I deserve this Brandon thing, nearly a year later. I struggled through those seven months of heartbreak and "omg will anyone ever like me again???"! So this Brandon thing, wether it works out or not, is something that would be fun for me, and I want to get myself into it. It will be good, maybe even great! But if I end up broken again, I will handle it better than I did Luke, I won't cry nearly as long, and yeah..I'm gunna sure as hell get me one of those "rebound guys".

mypigpants @ 2004-12-12T20:38:00

2004-12-13T02:40:42Z

Life is so hard for so many people. God.

So my grandmother broke both of her wrists after she fell. And it doesn't seem that bad, but apparently it is. I don't know. And I was sitting there talking to my mom about my uncle's cancer and about the consequences of so much chemo, and she was explaining how he may still die when my grandfather called and told me about my grandmother. So my mom called my sister, who said she wasn't coming down for christmas So I excused myself to the bathroom and sat on the edge of the tub and just cried. And then I wrote a letter to my sister, which I will probably will never mail.

mypigpants @ 2004-12-05T22:09:00

2004-12-06T04:09:13Z

OMG IM IN LOVE WITH BRANDON BOYD DONT TELL

I wish upon a Star

2004-11-28T03:24:27Z

I really wish/hope I have fun at Model U.N. I so badly want to be with someone, I know that sounds super pathetic.. but I'm so lonely. There is nothing like the companionship of someone who loves you, and REALLY loves you, and you love them back. As much as I despise Luke, I would do anything to simply get that feeling back, just not with him. God, you can fall asleep at night knowing that YOU are the person for somebody. The one somebody wants, the one somebody turns to, the one somebody wants to protect, the one somebody loves.. which is something I have with all of my girlfriends, that security, but its so different. God I wish I were a lesbian. Things would be so much easier.

The feeling really has to be mutual, and what if you only really find that once in your life? What if I wasted that one time on Luke? God I'm not super pretty, I'm not super smart, I'm not super talented in anything, and now I'm crying. I guess all of those things just add up to who could I really get? Maybe someone like Luke is the best there is out there for me. I get him or all these losers who think they love me but don't even know what love is. I hate this feeling of such un-wanted-ness. I want to want someone just as much as they want me back, for once.

I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I'd love you to love me

whoever wrote that song really knew what they were talking about, cuz thats a feeling i think anyone can relate to. It's so easy to lust after people, and want someone, and get giddy about someone, but where is that person wanting me back? God I hate myself.

Nobody respond to this.

OMFG

2004-11-27T17:46:42Z

So Kelley came home from vacation a day early. Yeah and came to see me like AS SOON as he got back, and he was driving his dads Acura, and I ran out and just attacked him with a HUGE hug, I was so happy that he was finally back. OMG a week without talking to Kelley = kinda weird. A lot of pent up emotion that I can't really express to anyone.

Soooo he doesn't come in, I just ran out and greeted him in the street. We got in his car and I hugged him again and told him how much I loved him and missed him and was so glad he was back. He kept wanting to give me the present, but I refused to accept it if Elise werent there. So then we were just sitting in the little parking lot area in front of my house trying to decide where to go, when I grabbed his hands and said, "Look, we need to talk". So he was kinda like on edge, as he should be, but he agreed to this little chat. So I told him to get in the back of the car, so we get out and go sit in the back- sitting side by side. And I just flat out ask him, "Do you think you have feelings for me?" and he just flat out said "Yes" which I wasn't really expecting. And then I asked WHAT TYPE of feelings he thought he had for me. Well, this made him very uneasy and he kinda moved away and looked out the window, so I grabbed his face and like STRADDLED him so he had no choice but to look at me. I was facing him, sitting in his lap. So then I repeated my question- "What kind of feelings do you have for me??" and then I laughed at the situation and the obvious witty answer that he wasn't going to give. Well he poured out his heart, how wonderful he thought I was and how much he was in love with me, then he listed all of the reasons we should be together and they were ALL great perfect perfect reasons. And then "I Want You and Your Beautiful Soul" started playing and we just started kissing, and went at it for like 20 minutes. Until his cell phone rang, and it was his dad AKA moodkill. So then he had to go home and he walked me to my door and we kissed. And I went inside feeling happy.

This was all a dream, of course. Kelley hasn't gotten back from his cruise yet, and I haven't even spoken to him since Wednesday, but don't you think it means something? It probably just means I'm lonely and have much pent up sexual frustration! omg, such a whore.

HOME ALONE

2004-11-22T03:14:22Z

Well I'm sitting at the computer about a minute and a half ago, and then my dad is like "Well tomorrow I'm leaving at like 7". Well, it seems weird to me that hes telling me when hes going to leave, because I mean, he leaves for work at about the same time every day. So I'm like, "Well what does that have to do with anything?" and hes like "Well I'm going to Lafyette" and I'm like GREAT. UGH!

END

2004-11-16T01:20:45Z

I want this week to end. I want this term paper to end. I want my life to end.. mer.

I don't know

2004-11-14T06:40:40Z

I know I seem happier with my life, and I guess I am, but seriously. Sometimes I just hate it.

Why can't I be glamorous? Or atleast something more appealing than me. I know you think that everyone loves me, but it is so not true. They just don't, not even I love me most of the time.

IM SUCH A STUPID PERSON! SELF HATRED GALORE! OMG!

Women's Basketball

2004-11-13T04:04:28Z

It would be really hard to feel feminine being a 6 foot 5 basketball player and all. I don't know, at the game tonight I just felt like I was really girly- which is weird- because I never feel girly. I was never able to pull off the girly-girl look very well, not that I ever wanted to. I guess I just never felt very petite and cute and... girly. Sometimes I wish I were, then maybe Brad would love me.. okay. WTH. I hate myself.

Spicy Chicken Thursday

2004-11-12T01:43:12Z

Omg sometimes I hate Livejournal. Oh god, sometimes I hate everything. It's when I'm coming off my medication when its the worst.. I can feel it, I'm just ANGRY! I mean I know there are things you can take to make the transition of moods flow a little better.. but how many drugs can you put your kid on at once? I need to stop taking it, but I can't. Like I'll just take it and stay awake for days. I DONT KNOW WHAT IM THINKING! God, I'm so stupid.. or should I say.. such a ham? UGH! YEAH WELL RIGHT NOW EVERYONE IS PISSING ME OFF AND I CANT FIND SOMETHING TO DO AND STICK WITH IT CUZ IM GOING CRAZY! Can someone say manic???

mypigpants @ 2004-11-10T21:06:00

2004-11-11T03:07:25Z

"White Flag"

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

A Moment Like This

2004-11-01T14:03:33Z

So I kissed Kelley last night.

We were sitting in the parking lot of Wal-Mart, and it was night time, and I dunno... something just made me do it. So I said "Kelley, would you kiss me if I asked you to?" and he said "yeah" so I said "well kiss me!" and then he got all awkward and started playing with the clock and radio. So I said "you don't have to if you don't want to, but its just a thought" and then he said "no I want to" so then I said "well why don't you?" so THEN he said "because I don't know if you are being serious" to which I said "I'm dead serious".

So then there was silence and I said "ohmygod its not that bigga deal" and I kissed him.

And then I quit and he said "wow" and I said "what" and he said "that was my first kiss" and I said "hmm better have been good then" and then I started singing to the song on the radio and said "well we better go if you want to be home for 11" and we drove off.

THEFUCKFACEIHATEYOUGODIEFUCKER

2004-10-19T20:55:38Z

Well I recived a call from the "fuckfaceihateyougodiefucker" last night. I missed it though, and listened to the ever-so pathetic message that he left. "call me.. we really need to talk". Now I know Luke- excuse me- I know Fuckfaceihateyougodiefucker, and I know that when he says "we really need to talk" it translates into "oh my god, i fucked up again and need to tell you about it". So I call back, expecting the absoulte worse, and ask him what we "really need to talk about". And he starts off with saying "Well I don't want to hurt you" to which is very snappily "Well you seemed to be getting good at it, so please just spit it out." Okay so now hes kinda angry at me and says "IM JUST TRYING TO BE NICE!" and the he starts in, "Well remember my first year of college, when you came to that Psychology class with me and I sat by the blonde girl?" and I said "The fat one?" and he said "SHE WASNT FAT!" to which I disagreed and made him mad. Well then he says "well I liked her while we were dating, but I didn't do anything about it because you were my girlfriend" and I interrupted "Oh how considerate of you, Luke" so then he starts to get fed up and kinda babbles about how the semester ended and he always regretted never telling her how he felt. So then I said "Luke just tell me what you need to tell me" and he said "Well what do you want to hear?" and so I said "I want to hear what you think we need to talk about!" and he screamed "IM DATING HER!" and so I quickly responded with "why didn't you tell me that before? I didn't hear from you for 4 days and sat here and worried about where you were and if you were okay, and you couldn't even call me to say, 'I'm alive but I have a new girlfriend' why would you not call me and tell me?

So then he said again "I didn't want to hurt you." and I didn't even hesitate. It was as if I had been preparing the speech all of my life, and it just came out of me:
"Luke, you asked for my help and I gave it to you. You wanted me to "save you" and I tried. That's all. I knew as well as you did that you were never going to be man enough to get yourself together and be good enough to date me again, and I knew we had no future. We aren't destined to be together, I accepted that a long time ago. I'm not hurt, I'm not even surprised."

Then there was this silence and he said "but I like that we are friends, and I always wanted to be your friend, and I never wanted to hurt you" (GOD can guys not come up with a better line than 'i dont want to hurt you'???)

So I said "Luke we don't hate each other and we needed to get to that point, and it is awesome that we did. I'm not hurt, or even pissed. I'm just confused as to why you didn't call me and tell me all of this earlier!"

And he apologized for not calling me, and I said "Yeah, come on, did you think I would freak out and cry? Luke.. it's okay. Expect a little more from me next time. Have a little faith!"

And then he said "okay I'm really sorry, and you handled this better than I ever thought you would. I'm really impressed, you've matured a lot."

And I said "well I hope everything works out for you two, bye" and we hung up.

Then I threw the phone against the wall so hard that it broke. Then I screamed loud enough to wake my parents up downstairs. Thn I cried into my pillow for about 3 and a half hours. Then I wanted to die.

How could I have let myself be hurt again? How did it hurt so much again? How did I let my guard down? Where did I go wrong? Why do things like this happen to me? How did I not see it coming? How could I be so hurt? How could I be so pissed? How could I cry so much? How could I have let myself be so in love with him again? How could I have stayed so immature? And that is it. That chapter of my life is over, and I'm crying about it now, but mark my words.. this is the last time that a tear will come out of my eyes for Fuckfaceihateyougodiefucker.